Mariah Dairy.

I said I would post on random subjects on occasion, I just didn’t expect that it would happen on my second post. But I just couldn’t take it, people. I just couldn’t keep quiet about this.

My new book, Sex.Lies.Murder.Fame., is about the great lengths and extremes people will go to in order to achieve fame and celebrity. Even love. Some go all the way to the edge, willing to kill or die to get what they want. It’s not always easy to understand the psychology of a person with this kind of desperate need for attention. It’s an all-consuming fire that destroys those afflicted with it from the inside out. Sure, we all like to feel important, that’s human nature, but last night I saw a case of “look at me” in action that was one for the books.

I was watching the Billboard Music Awards, and Mariah Carey won the first of what would become another trough of trophies for her juggernaut of a comeback cd, The Emancipation of Mimi. She deserves them. The album is blazin’. But then Mariah made her way up to the stage, and suddenly I found myself staring at this:

Yeah, yeah, the dress was a bit tiny and tight, but that’s so Mariah. I’m used to that now. What I still haven’t gotten used to, though, are those CANNONS on her chest that seem to get exponentially bigger with every public appearance. My brain was clobbered with questions, too many to deal with at once. When did she become the bastard hybrid of Dolly Parton and Pam Anderson? Was it subtle or abrupt? Have I not been paying attention? What would prompt such mammary mania?

I was so bothered by it that I found myself questioning my own sense of recall. Mimi didn’t always look like this, did she? I seemed to remember that first video of hers, Vision of Love, that was played ad nauseum, and she was a stick of a thing, a popsicle with colossal lungs and scads of curly hair. I had to make sure of it. Yes!!! I was right!!! See?

She was once not-so-busty, practically flat-chested, even. So what happened? Was it all those new girls coming on the scene, threatening to steal some of her “look at me” thunder? The Beyonces and Alicias and Ashantis and Christinas and Britneys? Is that what did it? Is that what caused her to resort to this?

I know it’s hard out there for a pimptress, a girl’s gotta protect her turf and all, but Mariah seems to have forgotten what we fell in love with her for in the first place: her voice. She’s a pretty girl, but that’s beside the point. What matters is that when she’s on her mark, her voice can make your heart soar. It can make you run the full range of the emotional landscape, which is no small feat. That’s why she’s broken so many records, had staying power, and the ability to recover from dark times and emerge stronger, better, more talented than before. She’s the Six-Million-Dollar Songstress, no dual front airbags necessary. She needs to remember that and be sympathetic to us at the same time. Because when I watch a Mariah Carey performance, it’s for the music. I’m not trying to be distracted by her CANNONS all up in my tv screen.

And speaking of CANNONS and distraction, check out poor Nick Cannon, who co-presented along with Chris Brown.

These two had the great fortune/misfortune of handing Mariah her first award of the night. Look at them. It couldn’t have been that long ago that they were weaned off the tit for real. Then to be faced with this, on national television, no less. At an age where their hormones are raging. The poor guys could barely contain themselves. Chris Brown has already staked out the nipple he wants. And what’s Nick trying to do with his right hand?

Billboard Music Awards @

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