A few hours ago, I was sitting here doing work and had the tv on in the background, as usual. I was deep into writing, but something about whoever it was that was singing on tv made me look up. Live with Regis and Kelly was on, and it was the last segment of the show. On tv was the oddest-looking band—part symphony orchestra, part rock band, part girl group. A sort of uber-ABBA-meets-Queen-meets-The Boston Pops. I cocked my head and was like, WTF? What the hell is this?

Three blonde, buxomy Jessica Simpsons in vixenish black, tight-fitting halter dresses and boots were up front. The lead Jessica was singing this very robust version of some hallowed Christmas song, something that seemed very spiritual and God-revering. The girl had a truly amazing and powerful voice, but there was something about those skankalicious outfits that completely threw me off. They were so vampy, so I-used-to-work-at-Scores-and-still-pop-in-on-occasion, that I couldn’t help but think, Oh, the devil is so clever!! He’s got strippers singing holy holiday songs, and when the guy (or girl, if that’s your thing) watching suddenly finds himself turned on, it’s really going to mess with his head!! Because the gospel and stripper-inspired boners, they don’t exactly go together. (Wait. I forgot about Kirk Franklin. Maybe they do.)

When they finished, Regis and Kelly came over and were just gushing about this band—Trans-Siberian Orchestra (double-WTF?????). Reege, obviously a fan, fawned over a guy who appeared to be the leader like he was Jesus…or Bono. Meanwhile I was like, who the f*ck are these people, and what’s up with those singers upfront?

I was so baffled by it all that I immediately commenced to Googling and hunted them down. As soon as I got to their site, I clicked the “About The Band” link just to get a further look at this whole freaky Trans-Siberian thing. A page chockful o’ folks pops up, a cast of thousands, a real Cecil B. DeMille production. (Not quite, but there’s a helluva lot of ’em). Apparently singers rotate throughout the varying performances and TSO (Trans-whatever-the-f*ck) is famous for putting on a real spectacular show with pyro and lights. Who knew? Still, imagine my surprise at discovering that there were more than just the three blondettes I saw on Reege and Kell. There’s a whole menagerie of musical kittens in the Trans-Siberian family, and my suspicions only grew when I noticed they each seemed a tad bit “Scores-ish.” I took the liberty of assembling their individual photos together for you in one photoshopped snapshot, just so you could get the full effect of what I’m trying to explain. Ladies and gents, meet the gallery of Trans-Siberian Orchestra babes:

Hmmm. Something about this seems sooooo familiar…

Right!!! Just as I suspected!!! Trans-Siberian Orchestra is a friggin’ travelling strip show, with strippers who can sing gospel, play instruments, and do the booty shake, all at the same time!!! Rock opera, my a$$. This, my friends, is Scores in concert.

Trans-Siberian Orchestra.com
www.scoresnewyork.com
Previously: The Lo Zone: Somebody Please…Make Me Understand: (Part 1)