>Introducing…Improbable Conversations (Part 1): James Frey’s "Come-To-Jesus" Meeting With The Black Jesus

>In the spirit of the great fun of Friday’s post about Improbable Friendships (which was based on a real sighting), I’ve decided to keep the fun going by, on occasion (meaning, whenever the mood strikes me), doing something I’d like to call Improbable Conversations, where we explore fake discourse between real people who most likely will never talk, but it’d be cool as blazes (hey, that’s a paradox!) to listen in on their what-the-fuck-is-this chatter, just for shits and giggles.

And what better way to inaugurate this little funfest than to start with everyone’s favorite lying guy, James Frey


…and hip-hop stylist extraordinaire, Kanyeezy Weezy, in the role of the Black Jesus.


Seems Frey’s got some ‘splainin’ to do about a thing or two million, and the Black Jeezy’s not tryyyyyyyyyyyyin’ to hear no bullshit…


Black Jeezy: So what’s this about you trying to embarrass my Chosen One?


Frey: That’s not what happened. This whole thing…

Black Jeezy: See, that’s the problem right there. You don’t have respect for anything. First off, you need to be addresssing me in the proper way. You didn’t say ‘Sir,’ ‘Your Magnificence,’ nothing. You can’t just talk to me like you talking to somebody on the street. Didn’t your mama ever tell you not to look into the sun?


Frey: But you’re not really Jesus.

Black Jeezy: Nigga, what?????? I know you see this crown of thorns on my head. Jesus is a state of mind. I’ve been through fire, through the wire, you can’t even begin to understand what it’s like to be persecuted the way I have…


Frey: Uh…I think I can. The entire country turned on me. Your Chosen One did everything but have her audience tear away my flesh.

Black Jeezy: But see, my flesh was torn away. I almost died one time. My jaw was all jacked up. My mouth was wired shut. I got a plate in my chin…


Frey: …my teeth were knocked out and I had a root canal without Novocaine…

Black Jeezy: …the President probably had the CIA investigating me because I dared to speak my mind and my heart. You wouldn’t even understand what it’s like to be under that kind of scrutiny. Something like that would crush the average man.

Frey: Uh…excuse me? Have you ever heard of The Smoking Gun? At least you didn’t have every tiny detail of your life paraded in front of the world and debated in the media. You didn’t have everyone step away from you like you were walking asbestos. I was just minding my own business and my book got picked, and in a matter of months I went from media darling to national pariah…

Black Jeezy: (eyes burning, face fierce) …y’all don’t know my struggle. Y’all can’t match my hustle. You can’t catch my hustle. You can’t fathom my love…


Frey: (brow crinkling) Wait a second. Aren’t those the words to one of your songs? Even I don’t quote myself.


Black Jeezy: (smiling) Yo…you know my shit?


Frey: Yeah. I wrote most of My Friend Leonard while listening to The College Dropout.

Black Jeezy: (grinning broadly) For real? Damn. Aw, man. Maybe I was being too hard on you. You have been through some shit.


Frey: It’s been pretty rough.

Black Jeezy: Right, right. You know what? I got another crown of thorns in my car. Come out here with me. Umma give it to you. You earned that shit.

They head towards a very, very, very nice car.


Frey: Um. Wow. That’s a pretty sweet vehicle. But I thought Jesus Walks.

Black Jeezy: Nah, kid. Jesus drives a Maybach. And actually, Jesus doesn’t even get behind the wheel. I got somebody else to do that for me.

Black Jeezy signals to the driver. The trunk of the car pops open to reveal hundreds of crowns of thorns. Black Jeezy reaches in and hands one to Frey.


Frey: (astonished) Why so many?


Black Jeezy: (beaming) You know me. I never wear the same thing more than once.

aaaaaaaaaaaaand SCENE.

Previously: The Lo Zone: Introducing…Improbable Friendships (Part 1)

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