>Last night I was reading the current (November) issue of O Magazine…
…and came across something quite fascinating in the Body Wise section on page 218 called “Women’s Business.”
The section’s subtitle was “Good news, bad news on the sexual health front,” and boy, was that an understatement. One of the bulleted points really caught my eye. It was called “Embarrassing Symptons.” You wouldn’t believe what it addressed:
More than half of women over age 50 are affected to some degree by a condition called pelvic organ prolapse […]. “Many women feel like something is falling out of their vagina,” says Linda Brubaker, MD, director of the division of female pelvic medicine and reconstructive surgery at Loyola University Medical Center in Chicago. In some cases, it is, and it must be pushed back up inside their bodies. The problem starts when connective tissues…blah, blah, blah.
I’m sorry. I stopped reading after I saw the part about having to push the entrails of your peeper that have FALLEN OUT AND ARE HANGING IN THE WIND back up inside where they belong.
Ugh. Alright, here’s why they said your cat could fall out:
The problem starts when connective tissues that support the pelvic organs—including the vagina, bladder, and rectum—become stretched and damaged (usually the result of pregnancy and pushing during childbirth, but sometimes due to frequent heavy lifting AND WHORING); over time those organs begin dropping. [Lo’s note: Sorry. That last part about the whoring was mine.]
Many women are too embarrassed to see a doctor,” says Brubaker, [no shit, says Lo] “or they’re afraid they’ll need surgery.” But treatment includes nonsurgical options such as Kegel exercises and the insertion of a pessary, a plastic device that helps support the pelvic organs.
My favorite part is at the end of the piece:
For more information, check out the Pelvic Floor Disorders Network (pfdn.org).
Pelvic Floor Disorders? They make it sound like your peeper’s got some sort of trap door that could give at any moment.
Anyway ladies, if you find yourself walking along and your cat suddenly falls out, or if it’s already happened and you’ve been duct taping it to hold it in, there’s help. (Fellas, if this is happening to your girl, tell her there’s a solution…unless you happen to like loose snatch.)
I know I shouldn’t joke about this, but good lawd, of all the things I didn’t realize I’d have to worry about with the passage of time. Now they’re telling me that once I’m in my 50’s, I gotta be on the lookout for my cat falling out as I’m shopping, or, heaven forbid, trying on shoes?
On another front, I guess this means I’d better stop whoring.*
*I’m just joking. I’m so not a whore.
**What qualifies for whoredom anyway? Is there a certain number that, once you pass it, you get a certificate? Perhaps I shouldn’t speak so soon.