In Search Of Expiration Dates.

I was reading one of the national papers online last night and came across one of those advice columns that runs in several papers around the country. The column was so interesting, I ended up going back a few days to read more. Lo and behold, I came across this:

Dear Amy:

Two years ago my lifelong friend, “Sandy,” and I surprised my husband with a menage a trois for his 60th birthday. My husband and I have been married for more than 30 years. This is every man’s fantasy, so I decided to treat him.

For the last 10 years, Sandy has lived on the East Coast, after her husband died. We have always been close — she was the maid of honor at our wedding — and both families vacationed together with our kids.

When I suggested it, Sandy laughed but said she’d go along.

I was surprised and thrilled when we did it, especially because she and my husband spent the whole time concentrating on me. We laughed the next day, saying that we are a bunch of old folks doing something we heard about when we were young but too “uptight” to try. We have not done it again, and have not talked about it, other than just mentioning it in passing. However, I fantasize about her often.

My 60th birthday is soon, and I want to do it again. When I mentioned this to Sandy, she said she would look forward to it.

But I have not told my husband. I have never been attracted to anyone during my marriage — man or woman — and I have been a loyal wife.

I’m counting the days until my birthday, and I feel like a teenager in love for the first time. Does this mean I’m gay?

Amy’s advice, as far as this blog is concerned, doesn’t really matter, per se, which is why I haven’t listed it. (If you must know what she said, click here.) I guess my question is—at what point is a person considered too old to have a ménage? Is there a cutoff point, or do you think there are some ninety-year-olds out there still clanging their collective bones? In the age of Viagra, the sexual shelf life of men has been extended considerably, and I’m sure some of those men are probably hungry for all the prolonged strange they can get. (Mind you, I’ve never had a ménage, so I’m not exactly the one to know the answer to this.)

Perhaps this applies to the whole concept of swinging, too.

Are you ever technically too old to orgy?*

*A few years ago, I briefly dated a guy whom I discovered, much to my alarm, was a very active swinger. Imagine the horror of me—a textbook monogamous girl—finding herself with someone who put the “
he” in Hedonism. It was a disaster. We were doomed from Day One. Our (sexless) relationship had the life span of a firefly. Once his penchant for group clamoring was out in the open, he very excitedly told me he could see himself swinging well into his eighties. Good luck with that, dude. There’s nothing sexier than a room full of dried dicks and desiccated cooches, a bowl of blue pills, a trough of Astroglide, and high, high hopes. (Pretty sure there’s also a defibrillator somewhere in the room.) I’m just sayin’.

Chicago Tribune: Dear Amy: Fantasy may provide sizzle, but don’t get burned

8 thoughts on “In Search Of Expiration Dates.

  1. >My first response was shock, but we own three high-rise apartment buildings with an elderly population. Over the years I have come to the conclusion that a young pimp becomes an old pimp, his game is just slower.That said, based on what I've seen and heard in the buildings they are definitely active well into the later years. And, like you said, Viagra has put a whole new spin on the game. Around the first of the month I kept seeing all of these "youngish" women visiting the building. My logical thought was someone's daughter or granddaughter was coming to visit. Over time it occurred that these were workign girls and they were coming to ratify a deal. We even had one that fathered, what one of managers called, "a Viagra baby."So, no, Lo, there are no expiration dates . . . although I believe there probably should be.


  2. >when i first read the post, the first person i thought about was hugh hefner…hugh runnin' hoes fo, five deep, with candy dish of viagra pills at bedside…..but juan you paint a picture for a helluva script/movie. cocoon3, the return of the mack!hey matt, we can do this!!!!


  3. >They can do it, I just dont want to hear about it. It creates too many visuals all of which are disturbing to me.It reminds me of that movie "Somethings Gotta Give" with Jack Nicholson (I love him) & Diane Keaton. The scene where they are using their glasses and she's taking his blood pressure before they have sex is flippin hilarious. Thats prolly as far I would go before hurling. I want to keep the fantasy that my Big Mommah & Paw Paw are not doing anything in the wee hours of the morning.


  4. >The majority of people who live in my neighborhood are elderly. It is a very quiet, peaceful place to live. So, imagine my surprise when I found out that the couple who live a few houses down from me are…SWINGERS!!! Not only are they swingers, but the woman is PRESIDENT of the local swingers association!Just thinking about it makes me nauseous.


  5. >keep in mind, you "young" people, y'all fittin' to get old too, someday, sooooo, keep workin' it, exercise so you can be happy tomorrow!!! we are a child twice and a adult once. an elderly swinger is in "hi-skool" again.


  6. >Old crusty swingers…how gross. This is the funniest post. However, I know for a fact that those old men are still freaks. Because everytime my friends and I would go out, we would see grandpas trying to get their swerve on. Hell one of my friends was ignorant enough to make a baby with one of those old fools. Now she has an old man for a son and he is only 7.


  7. >awww, c'mon dawyna…you kno' i got mad love for you boo…but y'all ack like y'all ain't gonna get old too!keep in mind, when you get up in age…and those titties began to sag and droop…and you can swing them like nun-chucks in a bruce lee movie (wuu-ahhhh)…you're gonna turn somebody on!!!!!what? you're gonna lose your horniness after 50? shiiit, ask oprah!!!!!…better yet, ask jamie foxx!!!!!


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