>Best Of The Zone, Part 2.

>I was particularly fond of this piece, first published on January 23, 2006. This little fella ended up making several more cameos after being dubbed “The Notorious P.R.I..”

To Live And (Almost) Die In L.A.

In a classic case of “what the fuck happened here?” that should no longer surprise me (but still somehow does), I saw the following as I sat at a traffic light on Ventura Boulevard in Encino this past Friday afternoon.

[click image to enlarge]

Just in case you still don’t get the gist of this, here’s another half-shot of the car:

[click image to enlarge]

Yup, folks…them there’s bulletholes. Seven, to be exact. We happened to have a camera in the car and commenced to snapping before the light changed and I had to pull off. Still, being the writer that I am—a fiction writer—ever since I drove away, I found myself pondering the possibilities of what must have happened.

Scenarios I’ve come up with so far:

1. A slaphappy environmentalist is driving on the 405 in his cute little Prius on his way to a Greenpeace meeting. He cuts off a rapper in a gas-guzzling H2. Said rapper is exhausted (and blazed) after an all-nighter in the studio and has no time for such fuckery. Chaos and bulletholes ensue…

2. A slaphappy PETA member is driving on the 134 in her cute little Prius on her way to work at NBC and cuts off a big-shot film director in a gas-guzzling Aston Martin. The director’s date is wearing a mink. The slaphappy PETA member gives both the finger. The director’s just been pulled off his current film for going way overbudget and has no time for such bird-flipping fuckery. Chaos and bulletholes ensue…

3. A grim-faced-but-environmentally-conscious Crip passes an equally grim-faced-but-environment- loving Blood on the 101. Both are in Priuses of the same color and, for a fleeting moment, realize they share a common bond. The bangers smile and nod at each other, then suddenly remember their respective roles, frown, and pull out matching weaponry. Chaos, bulletholes, and identical shot-up Priuses ensue…

4. An elderly woman is inside the bank where the car is parked and has no idea the cute little Prius her sitcom-starring son gave her has been randomly shot up by bored, rowdy rich kids during the ten minutes that have lapsed since she’s been inside. Chaos and coronaries ensue…

5. The world’s most aggressive team of repo men attempt to recover the car from the sitcom-starring son after his show is abruptly cancelled. Chaos and lies to his elderly mother about his new job (moonlighting in soft porn) ensue…

6. The car, purchased at a police auction, is spotted by its former owner (an egomaniacal studio exec arrested for soliciting sex from minors on the internet) moments after he’s just been released from jail. Chaos and recidivism ensue…

Help me out here, people. I could do this all day.

15 thoughts on “>Best Of The Zone, Part 2.

  1. >The Notorious PRI!!! Its back….And I have to say I was thinking of you over Christmas as well when my baby niece's favorite sentence was "I hear mon….KEYS" (in honor of the adorable new stuffed animal her aunt brought to town)…it made me think of a certain very first drive around LA when all I could see were MONKEYS! See you in NY very very very soon!

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  2. >Those are probably stickers, you can buy bullet hole stickers from AutoZone and other automotive parts stores. They look amazingly real even when you are pretty close. Being in the midwest, we have a lot of pickup driving dudes that have those pasted on their tailgates and doors.

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  3. >I like your possibilities though. Since you asked for help. How about:Kennedy is driving west on the 105 when Toya pulls onto the freeway. After driving for a mile or so, Toya begins to admire the pretty little car coming up on the right of her. Instinctively she takes a glance at the driver and notices she's the trick who was with her man, Tony, at the club last week. She blows her horn and motions at Kennedy to roll down her window, all the while reaching in her purse for her 25 caliber pistol. Toya rolls down her window and her facial expression turns rabid as she yells out "Remember me from the other night, bitch!" Kennedy immediately recognizes her and due to the shock almost runs into The car to her right. Toya raises her pistol, aims, and gunshots ensue.

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  4. >I wrote a story about Della & Sadie, the two old "ride or die" type ladies, one of which we heard about before when she poured the gasoline on the guy that tried to rob her. They started a gunfight, then ran but their bursitis in their knees slowed them down. I deleted it accidently and now Im pissed.

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  5. >How about this:A Girly Girl was driving along in her gas guzzling SUV wearing her new fur coat. Another Girly Girl(most probably a PETA member) pulls up alongside Girly Girl #1 and proceeds to shoot at her with a paint ball gun, ruining her coat with globs of florescent paint. Girly Girl #2 speeds off, laughing evilly while Girly Girl #1 reaches for her semi-automatic in the back seat. In moments she has caught up with her attacker. Vengeance is hers. Chaos and bulletholes ensue…

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  6. >Peaches and her home girl Cream (dolla dolla bills y'all) were headed to Detroit to meet Chauncey Billups at the Palace. Some punk as bitches come around and said Chauncey ain't shit. Peaches loving her man Chauncey a.k.a "Mr. Big Shot" wasn't about to accept that shit so she pulled out her .25 and shot up the pretentious Prius all the while yelling "Im from Detroit!"

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  7. >Sheletha, as fate would have it, this system is set up so that all comments, whether deleted or not, are sent to me, so guess what? I have your Sadie/Della story, which was brilliant. Girly_Girl and Rich, your stories were fantastic. I love how y'all just jumped in with more possibiities for The Notorious P.R.I.. Here's Sheletha's that was deleted:Heres one story.Rich drives by the AutoZone to pick up some of these bullet stickers and randomly places them on cars. Sadie, the old lady, that owns this Prius that was given to her by her son with the cancelled show is incidently the friend of Della, the old lady that poured gasoline over the man that tried to rob her. They were sitting at lunch together when her friend got picked up. Della and Sadie reverted back to their days as girlfriends of Crip members and started street warfare with the cops. They started running but the bursitis in their knees gave way and they had to hide in the hills. The Nortorious P.R.I was left for impound.

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