News flash! Men and women view love very differently. This is not always apparent, because of the assumptions that people make simply because they are in a relationship. I’ve known this, but I’m amazed at some of the views that people have, so I thought I’d bring this one up for discussion.
The idea for this post came about while I was speaking to a long time friend who was expressing to me her love for a former male companion whom she still considers a pretty good friend. She spoke of how she expressed her feelings to him only for him to be baffled because he had not participated in activities in which he considered necessary for love to occur. Things like going for walks while holding hands, sitting on the couch in each other’s lap, going on picnics in the park, etc. Meanwhile, they had a two year sexually involved relationship. During which time she fell in love with the many attributes that made him the man whom he presented himself to be. He, on the other hand, didn’t feel it was love because he didn’t have an accompanying external sign to validate an emotion that he was undoubtedly having. Therefore, he was still looking for love, because what they had couldn’t be it.
So my question is a simple one. How do you determine that you are in love? I know it may be different for everyone, but I’m really curious. So if you don’t mind, indulge me, just for a moment.
Posted by Rich (subbing for Lo)
The Lo Zone 
>I have to say I don't know. I thought I knew and now I am stumped. I have mixed emotions about Love right now.
LikeLike
>"How do you determine that you are in love?" – Richwhen you wake up in bed that mornin'…. an ol' boy is hard, beating you on your stomach….and babycakes, next to you, back turn'td towards ya, ass out…ahhh, love's a beautiful thingwell, you asked! (;-P
LikeLike
>Lance just confirmed why women are so mislead and confused and end up falling in love all by themselves—men fall in love through their dicks. Men know women believe this and intentionally mislead them to get sex and keep them hanging around with false hope. That explains why Rich's female friend was so startled that the guy seemed baffled by her profession of love. He'd been f-ing her all that time, so she probably thought he felt the same way, otherwise why would he keep coming back for more sex? I'm sure he woke up plenty of mornings with his dick beating him on the stomach as her ass faced him and he hit it, which just reinforced how she believed he felt. Well, he was using her. A real man would just step away from the table if he knew he had no real intent. Men use their dicks to mislead women all the time, and yes women do the same, but men do it way more than women. Men are encouraged by other males to do this kind of thing to women because they think it proves they are THE MAN. There really should be legal penalties and jail time for people who do emotional harm to others this way, and make no mistake it is harm. Emotional damage is far more harmful than physical damage. Physical wounds can heal. People go to jail all the time for doing physical damage to others, yet walk away scott free for wreaking all kinds of emotional hell via sex and dating fraud.
LikeLike
>wow anonymous, sounds like you've been "fuck'd over" one too many times….and yes anonymous babycakes…"i lubb you" and haven't even see yo' boo-tay.DOH!!!! i hope anonymous is a woman!!!! (;-P
LikeLike
>Lance is trying to make a joke..some don't understand his humor…but like I say, everyone luvs the asshole.I agree wholeheartedly with the anon poster (you should show ya face we are all fam here!)people often get jaded by 'love' with all the game and mixed emotions….
LikeLike
>Why does what Anonymous said have to mean she's been "fuck'd over one too many times"? I find a great deal of validity in what she says about legal accountability for emotional recklessness. What makes the psyche less valuable than the body? If people can go to jail for physically harming or defrauding someone, why shouldn't they go for emotional fraud and harm? Perhaps if there were criminal penalties for such things, there would be fewer "fuck'd over" people and men and women wouldn't be as distrustful of one another. Everything would be based on mutual upfront consent instead of stringing people along on false conditions.And no Lance, I'm no some "fuck'd over" woman. Expressing an opinion doesn't make someone "fuck'd over" or subject to your dismissive ridicule. I've been joyfully married for 26 years, but I've seen people do this kind of thing time and time again with no accountability, leaving friends and family to be the ones to pick up the pieces of those with their hearts broken because someone strung them on the possibility of love via sex.
LikeLike
>Whew! It is getting heated in here. LOL. Lance be starting stuff. LOL. Anonymous, I feel ya to an extent. Really though alot of times we KNOW something is not right with an individual and we still give our hearts and hard efforts to them. Let's get real, we get messages most the time WAY before we give too much. I am not saying that the liar, cheater, betrayer, or whatever should not be accountable, we also have to acknowledge our parts. It is a hard pill to swallow, trust me, this post is hard knowing hard of me is hardened by hurt and my own mistakes.I had to admit to myself part of my pain was my denial about the perpertrator. Then I have to also look at the lessons I had put upon me. Sometimes you can do all you can and get hurt. Getting up and brushing yourself off is hard and in the end doing better is the best revenge. Plus, God is our Avenger who can do way more than we can by legal system or not.I am not completely into the Love thang. I am jaded and cynical about it. I have not completely given up.
LikeLike
>I'm reading a book, it's called "The Four Agreements" and one of those agreements is "DONT MAKE ASSUMPTIONS"Don't think we are in love because we enjoy being around you and the sex you are giving. What I've noticed is that women like to "romanticize" a lot. They want to be in love, so they assume that because we like coming around that we feel the same way. ASK Questions, and above all else, LISTEN. If he's not man enough to say he loves you, then don't bail him out by assuming he does, because theres a great probability that he is just enjoying the ride.Men don't fall in love at the drop of a hat, and the one's that do, even you women question him. "Why's he calling me so much""Why is he rushing, he doesn't even know me" etc. etc.So my advice is, if he doesn't come right out and say it, then it isn't so. That's another reason why he bails when you ask him "where is this going". It's going nowhere, now that you've messed up the good thing. You may just be having good sex and hanging out, nothing else. Can you live with that?
LikeLike
>@MwB…No I can't live with that…
LikeLike
>ahhhhh….here we go. (gotta break'm in lozo kids)well, considering janice, "anonymous" and many of you ladies tuning into the lo zone recently or first timers, y'all just newbies up in here…they just don't understand…"the lanceman" (here since 2/06)it's all for shits & giggles and if i hurt your feelings……get over it. (;-P
LikeLike
>Lance, you are a FOOL!!!! I read your comment and spit out my tea, I laughed so hard…I don't think men fall in love through their dicks… Men are fully aware of what they feel. And a amazing sex is still just amazing sex. I also think falling in love BECAUSE of the dick isn't the hardest thing to escape because to a certain extent, we women are expecting it. Getting a good dick down does make ya stupid sometimes… The part that confuses the matter is when you guys start spending all your time together like a couple; he calls you to come over just to watch tv; go to the beach for no reason in the middle of the week; makes a palette in front of the fireplace… I'm not talking about this happening for a week or a month. Years. This can go on for years. And when you invest that kind of time and you let your guard down, Here comes LOVE to kick you in the ass. You haven't heard those words from him, but you can feel it in the way he has been treating you and how he looks at you like you are the only woman in the world. The fuck up isn't loving. Its saying it then not hearing it and staying anyway because you KNOW he loves he just doesn't know how to say it. But sometimes it is nothing more than someone wanting company and really enjoy time spent.
LikeLike
>P.S. Any of y'all need some ice water? Cuz it sho got hot up in here… I'll bring the lemon. 😉
LikeLike
>thanks for the luv sheletha and denea, y'all got it… "muah!"
LikeLike
>don't you just love it when a post just moves right along…touche denea & sheletha.ahhhh, paris in the springtime?wanna go?
LikeLike
>Well, Sheletha and other ladies like you, I'll give you a little something, since I like this joint; The Lo Zone.If you are looking for love, tell the brother up front. "I'm looking for someone to fall in love with, if that's not what you want, let me know now." Guys do it all the time, but the problem is, y'all try and flip the game. We say, "I'm not looking for anything serious, I just want to have some fun". You guys are cool with that until the fun turns into a year of kicking it, then you want him to define the relationship. He did, in the beginning. You are the only one confused. If he wants something more, let him spit it out, but don't play mind reader cause the shit feels good. I've had some goooooood booty in my day that I would have loved to keep around for quite some time, but I knew that's all it was, good booty. Sometimes "good booty" is the chick who can cook like momma, but her conversation is kinda whack. Or "good booty" is too depressing at times, so you can only take her in spurts.Sometimes "good booty" has no drive, but she is hella fun.It takes communication. Guys are looking for something in particular usually. If all you do is assume, you run the risk of thinking you have that something. He may be just chilling with you till that something comes along, but he's not going to play his trump card just to satisfy you. To much pressure and he might play the card that forces him to renege in the game, which causes him to lose you but live another day to play the game over again.I know Sheletha, that bitch Game again. Like I said before, don't assume. Stop being so scary and ask the hard questions. If you want to know if he loves you and he hasn't said it, ask him "Do you love me?"Just make sure you have your big girl draws on in case you don't hear what you want.In the end, knowing the truth should be better than living a fantasy.
LikeLike
>My boy once told me be careful when it comes to sex because one of you may come up with feelings.Men let's get real, men get caught up too. I have a friend and he knew this woman did not want to be with him the way he wanted. He said he would pull back and occasionally spend time with her. It did not change, he is in love with her and even with her words and actions saying no go, he stayed around.Feelings are feeling regardless of what is said or unsaid. When you interact with a member of the opposite sex and have sex, spend time together, things can happen.
LikeLike
>MWB, it is good to ask questions. Yet,if a man is gaming, asking questions does not guarantee the truth.
LikeLike
>Y'all give Game too much credit. The same stuff keeps getting served up and apparently no one is paying attention.
LikeLike
>I hear you MwB…I don't like it…but I hear you.
LikeLike
>Good Booty….in the words of Tina, "whats love go to do with it?" not a dayum thing…really, but if you are spending as much time out of bed, then you are out, then you have a relationship…defining, or clarifying your intentions early on are best…the question where do we go from here shouldn't send a brother running, if he wants to stay and play, say so, with no interest in a permanent gig, speak up..that gives the woman a chance to walk or accept him for what he is and stands for…but what i find happens most of the time is men will just run…and then begin the game somewhere else. But sometimes, they run up on a woman that turns them out, and when she acts like them…and runs…they lose it! Bottom line, you both need to be in the same place, wanting the same thing, and willing to risk quite a bit to achieve it…thats a mutual place of love.
LikeLike
>Good point Mzrepresent. Funny how the truth sends folks running. LOL.
LikeLike
>yeah shai, running……..into a brick wallgood point though.
LikeLike
>What up Shai!
LikeLike
>Lance, stumbling away…"I didn't see it coming…." Watch it, brick walls run up on you fast! (lol)
LikeLike
>i had to dubble back on you miz & MWB, nice points made. and i can't lie, when WE MEN lose it (broken heart)…awwww, shit…it's game over….either you'll fall to pieces or the next woman will catch hell or both. y'all women just don't know….but i'll tell ya…the old sayin' is true…what in life doesn't kill you, will make you stronger.yeah, miz..that brick wall hurt like hell!…. (;-o
LikeLike
>Lance, dude, why then do men fuck over a woman's heart knowing if the script was flipped he would hurt like hell. I don't get sometimes. LOL.
LikeLike
>well, it really kinda simple.men just don't give a fuck. period.this is not for shits & giggles, per say, so janice and anonymous, don't get it twisted, aiiight?…that's not to say that ALL men don't care…meaning to develop something down the road. look, it's all about domination that's why men flip the script on love so much. it's all about control. but the key for you ladies is to know yourself FIRST…and understand your POWER.here are the keys to YOUR strengths:1) brains. known fact that women are smarter than men. don't try to show it, hell we already know. why do you think we hold our mamas to high esteem? think about it.2) and with brain power, don't think too much. y'all just go, on and on and on about redundant shit whereas the man just say "fuck it" and move on. do the same. 3) be selfish. ain't nuffin' wrong with that…go for yours and get it, if you meet a knucklehead, uhhh, er a guy along the way, be easy, nice and slow and let HIM come to you…not just before the draws but afterwards also. say stuff to see if he's listening, like "i hate roses, but i love tulips"…if that nigga bring you roses on valentine's day, be sure to get yours, bust a nut and leave him hangin'….the next time, he'll bring tulips. he'll get the message! ain't payback a bitch?4) don't rush into a long term deal. one.day.at.a.time many who read this blog are into their 30's & 40's (janice pushin' near 50 sumptin', married for 26 years, unless she got married at 13! tryna keep under 40 boo, but hey), …..yearning for the marriage, kids and the house w/the picket fence. that's some t.v. shit. don't buy into that. make your own destiny. with men, you don't have to be like one of the boys, just allow him to have HIS SPACE. if he fucks up and leave after you've given your all, trust me, he'll be back. can't turn down a good thing…question is do you want him back? the answer remains with YOU, but if you take him back he has to come correct. you know the story, "you can forgive, can't forget." and if you have kids….wellll, he maybe the baby daddy, but he can be the baby daddy living somewhere else too.5) stop talking to your girls about these men. how the hell you gonna learn something by talkin' to another jilted chick?…that's why WE MEN OF THE LO ZONE HOLD OUR SISTERS UP HIGH, despite certain others who "remain" anonymous…6)and for the insecure brothers…we haven't chatted about them, 'cause they got their women on lock-down, so they can't get online. don't be trying to make your man jealous on some dumb shit like phone numbers in your pocket or crazy phone numbers on your cell or email addresses. be sure to be able to "man" up on your personal life, front and center. don't feel like you're gonna lose him if you don't concede into him. fuck'em. let him walk. you have to be able to stand strong & firm sometimes.to be continued boo….i gotta get sum sleep before work tonight
LikeLike
>The question still stands. How do you know when you are in love.Is it the hanging out, the love making, the goo goo eyes, or is it something altogether different. Answer the question NOW, so you can recognize what it is and isn't in the future.
LikeLike
>I still don't know anymore than my first post. Last time I was in love, well I thought I was in love, it was not true love. I have only felt the in love feeling twice, the first was so long ago. I am jaded and cynical about love right now. So I ask what is "in love?"
LikeLike
>hmph, so much for ramblin' beyond the question….for me, i think it goes into a "infactuation" mode first…the curosity, mystery of trying to understand that person which excites you.it could be something that she says, an act of doing something nice for you, not requested. it could be many things if you allow your heart to be sensitize from your own past experiences.i think the love comes in afterwards from that person doing, saying or just being themselves in sensitive mode "consistantly" and in being that way, you feel the same with one accord.*** quick note, currently i'm listening to chris botti, "to love again"…perfect timing to write this comment***….dunno if i answered the question, but maybe it's one of those mysteries you can't answer. just love or show feelings of honesty, respect, encouragement unconditionally and hope the feelings are mutual.
LikeLike
>I felt really sad about this comment in the previous postings:"well, considering janice, "anonymous" and many of you ladies tuning into the lo zone recently or first timers, y'all just newbies up in here…(here since 2/06)"I see the beauty/gift of the LoZone being that ANYONE AND EVERYONE is welcome: first timer/newbie or "regular". I've never even thought of the LoZone as a place with rank/priority. I see the LoZone as a community where rank/length of readership should not matter, and how do any readers/posters know for certain who's "just tuned in"? I would hate to see readers not post or tune in because of comments like that.
LikeLike
>After careful consideration, especially after seeing what Anonymous also wrote this morning, I decided to finally make a comment.I have been reading The Lo Zone since its inception back in December 2005, and I love the wonderful topics and lively exchange of ideas that take place here.I found Lance's response yesterday that "Lozo kids" had to break in newbies and first-timers to "the lanceman" highly offensive to any newcomers and those of us who quietly read this blog but are just as passionate about our love for it. Many of us have endured boldly racist comments from Lance about whites (newsflash: not everyone who reads The Lo Zone or considers themselves fans of or friends with Lolita is black), as well as sexist statements (calling the woman from yesterday "fuck'd over" just because she expressed an opinion was really a bit much). The suggestion that The Lo Zone is merely comprised of the people who comment the most is blatantly egregious. Many write e-mails directly to Lolita without ever posting comments. Just because you don't see us doesn't mean we're not here.Lolita has never made anyone feel unwelcome, first-timer or not. I can understand certain people developing friendships as a result of communing on this blog, but to alienate others who are not a part of that group does a tremendous disservice to the blog of a writer who is highly-respected by the publishing world, readers, her peers, friends, and family. This blog is read by many in the publishing industry for that very reason. It also affords an accessibility to fresh ideas that might possibly be expanded on a greater level. As the publisher of a popular imprint at a large house, I would be greatly saddened to see people abandon this site because they no longer feel welcome due to exclusivism, racism, or sexism, none of which define the Lolita we know.Freedom of speech is one thing. It's what America was founded on. There's something to be said, however, for fairness, kindness, and courtesy to others in the course of passionate dialogue. Ridicule, whether serious or not, can be very off-putting. This is a much larger community than you realize, not just a party of twenty or so people gathering to exchange ideas.
LikeLike
>I winced at that comment as well, but after reading it twice I think the overall point that Lance was trying to make is that a lot of times, he is responding in "character" just to keep it interesting. So in essence he was telling anonymous not to take him so seriously.But I do understand your concern, because I think this should be open to everyone. I love the interchange that takes place and I try to evoke conversations that preclude race.Sometimes the nature of these posts evoke emotions and comments that we may or may not know exist. But the thing that I like is that we get a lot of different views, even if some of them are unpopular. Also, some of them are just opinions and shouldn't be taken personally. With that said, I still feel you and understand your need to comment. Your voice is a voice that others need to hear so that they are able to evaluate some of their thoughts, comments, and opinions. So, by all means, feel free to come in the door as anonymous, name withheld, or some other moniker. Either way, it's good to hear another point of view. At the end of the day, I hope that EVERYONE knows that they are welcome here at The Lo Zone.
LikeLike
>I'm a white film agent at a top firm in Los Angeles. I was referred to this site early last year by a well-known black actress who said the writer was side-splittingly funny and insightful. I took her advice and checked it out and have been a regular ever since. I've become a huge fan of Lolita Files. This is one of three blogs I check daily and it's by far the most entertaining. Like the publisher in the earlier post, I too have cringed at Lance's aggressive comments and the statements he has made about whites and women. Conversely, regulars like Juan G. have made statements about issues with whites, but his comments are always clearly-explained and well-thought out. I have come to have an immense amount of respect for the things he says. Matt (whom I haven't seen here in a while), also used to make outrageously funny comments, but he never attacked others. He always just expressed his point of view and at times was reflective and revealing on a deeply personal level. I watched in the background last year as he exposed some very heavy things about himself. I also watched as Juan G. revealed health issues that everyone here offered support for. I might not have been vocal in the comment sections during that time, but Juan G. was still in my prayers. Moments like that, when people are embraced by everyone here, are when The Lo Zone truly shines.Most of the people that post comments seem to be honest and fair and don't attack others, but Lance always seems quick to lash out. The people here who know him obviously vouch for his statements, but how would you feel if you were a newcomer or a loyal reader who decided to come out of the background and post for the very first time, only to have him ravage or mock what you've written? There's nothing wrong with presenting a different point of view, but some courtesy in presentation would be appreciated. This is one of the few blogs not populated by "trolls" who spam the comment section, but it is cause for concern when one of the most vocal participants seems to have so many issues so negatively expressed, especially when it comes to race, women, and so-called "newcomers" to this blog.
LikeLike
>Lance has offended me too many times to count over the time I've been reading this blog. I consider myself a Lo Zoner just like some of the most outspoken readers here even though I don't post. One of the reasons I've been hesitant to is because of him. Not to pile on Lance. Apparently a lot of people like him here, but no one likes being embarrassed when they're just trying to express an opinion.As for chiding people who post under anonymous and encouraging them to show their faces, others here should take into consideration that everyone is not at liberty to reveal who they are. People have been fired for posting on blogs from work. That's too huge a penalty to pay when it's easier to just leave your name blank.
LikeLike
>Wow! These comments are DEEP, insightful and at the same time encouraging! I haven't been "in the Zone" for long, but have enjoyed the fresh, edgy view-points of so many! Going back to the topic – how do u know when you're in love? I think I've experienced levels of love. I've been FIERCLY in love and CRUSHED when the relationship didn't continue and then I've enjoyed more relaxed states of love where I didn't feel devastated if it wasn't reciprocated. I do LOVE Love. I don't think that love is something that we have a limited amount of. I don't say it to everyone I've loved – and yet I say it frequently to my dearest loved ones because tomorrow's not promised us.How do I know when I'm in love romantically? When I have NO desires for other FOINE men around me & I simply enjoy the views of others but don't feel that "lust";-)
LikeLike
>I stepped in and then quickly stepped out because I saw where this train was heading but in reality had no idea where it would ultimately end up.The irony of it all is just last Saturday I had a conversation with my youngest son who asked me how do you know when you're in love. My son is definitely playa material but he has met this lil girl that has his nose wide opened. My response to him was that none of us really knows what love is as it is defined by the individual and the circumstances. I explained that I loved him and his sister and brother and that is why I stuck by them through whatever craziness they experienced, however, I also explained that love that was not knotted by blood was less forgiving. I would tolerate much more from them than I would their mother. But in the end, I stick with my original thought that none of us REALLY knows what love is.On the other hand, what went on in here is a clear example of how love (not the carnal type) can be present and you not even be aware that it is that love that buoys.Because of our love for the Lo Zone we try to create a safe space where everyone is welcome and can vent, purge, renew, rest, and when necessary hide behind their anonymity. Because of our love we shake our heads when one speaks too loudly or too harshly and will utter the occasional, "he really didn't mean it." Because of love we truly wish the best for each other and what's going on with us and in our lives. A more popular visitor here once wrote The Lo Zone was God but just as we've often heard God is Love I will take it a step further and say The Lo Zone IS Love.Jeff, man, your post really touched me. I was always taught you never know who sees you and although you've only seen me through my words in cyber you thought enough of me to include me in your prayers. That, my friend, is the beauty of the Lo Zone. I am more than convinced that it is because of you and those like you who helped heal my heart. My cardiologist is still shaking his head because he has no medical reason for why my heart went from the condition it was when I was hospitalized to what it is today.There is an old song I remember from the Baptist Hymnals that was simple in lyric but basically said, "Love lifted me . . . when nothing else could help, love lifted me."Love truly lifted me (though I still can't put my finger on what it is) and I say to all of you, let love lift you. It's truly a freeing experience.
LikeLike