What Do You Do When You’re Married To (Or Dating) An Octopus Asshole?

Author Cary Tennis writes a pretty interesting column over at Salon.com called Since You Asked.

While his answers can be way long-winded, some of the advice people seek from him is flat-out bananas and/or off-the-chain. Natch, I’m never really concerned about a columnist’s answers to readers anyway, so his long-windedness (??) is irrelevant. What I’m more interested in is how you would respond to some of this fuckery. Take this particular situation. How would you handle it?

Dear Cary,

I have a close friend I have known since high school whom I still keep in regular touch with. We don’t talk or e-mail frequently, but whenever I am in her area I always stop by for a visit and usually have a wonderful time with her and her husband.

Recently, however, I’ve started to feel a bit uncomfortable around her husband. I’ve long been the unattached friend who spends a lot of quality time with her married friends, and I’m always told I’m such a great person, etc., by all of them. Her husband, however, has taken this further than the rest, saying how wonderful I am, kissing me on the cheek, putting his hand on my leg … various casual gestures that have added up to my feeling more than slightly uncomfortable around him.

This situation came to a head when I last visited them around the holidays. When my friend went to bed, her husband proceeded to offer me a foot massage. He then grabbed my feet, took off my socks and performed the foot massage. I was too uncomfortable to say much and just ended the situation as soon as I could, but before I could go to bed he did something else. We were both sitting on the couch watching a movie on television, I on one side and he on the other, when he proceeded to grab me and pull me over so that I was laying next to him. I moved away from him and sat up, trying to distract him, but after I did this he proceeded to pull me back where I had been.

I quickly made my excuses about being tired and went to bed, hardly being able to sleep the entire night as I was worried he would come into my room and try something. As soon as I woke up the next morning I made my excuses that I needed to head back to my parents’ house to my friend, and left without saying goodbye to her husband. On my drive back to my parents’ house he called my phone and left a message, which I must admit I still haven’t been able to listen to.

I am horrified about this situation. I have always felt so happy for my friend, that she found happiness, and was in a very stable and positive relationship. I have always loved my visits to see her and her husband. I don’t think I’ve done anything to warrant this behavior on her husband’s part, but I don’t know how to approach the situation … if I should say anything to my friend … or if I should just let it go. I don’t get the sense, based on what I know of their social tendencies (they don’t have many — they stay at home most of the time) that her husband is behaving this way with other women. However, I know that right now I would not feel comfortable going back there to see them. I don’t want to lose the friendship that I have, but I don’t know how to tell my friend what has happened.

No Clue What to Do

Now I know what I would do, but that’s neither here nor there.

Ladies? Fellas? Has this ever happened to you? (Or perhaps you were the perpetrator?) I’d love to hear your take on this.

Salon.com: Since You Asked: My friend went to bed and her husband tried to seduce me

21 thoughts on “What Do You Do When You’re Married To (Or Dating) An Octopus Asshole?

  1. >I have to say I would not be at her house often and not alone. I would bring a friend, date, a relative if possible. I would schedule lunches and dinners out with her.I would steer clear of her husband. If possible I would ask any friends who knows her how they think things are without revealing what I know.


  2. >She is NOT horrified. But she ia a bad friend and a LIAR. She has a voice and should have used it. She knew the behavior was wrong, but instead of saying something to him right then and there she tried to wait it out? Why so it can happen again NEXT time? FRIENDS make the tough choice. And the time for that is not now, it was then. She needs to have boundaries that no one can cross. Not just her friend's lecherous husband. I'm not excusing his behavior in anyway at all. His actions are deplorable. And I am not saying she is responsible for his behavior. He is. But she is not helpless. I would not want her as a "friend." My friends are outspoken and quick to let me know when I am messing up – let alone my other half. I have tons of married friends and that kind of thing would never fly.


  3. >It's a pretty tricky situation, and it get's even harder to address when it's a close friend or relative. Sometimes you really want to spare someone's feelings, and there are times when you are truthful that it also backfires. It is to me a decision based the greater good, yes the truth hurts, but if you can spare me the pain, then lie to me…anyway eventually everything comes to light.


  4. >There was a girl who went to college with me who would only go after guys one of her friends had dated or was dating. In her mind the girlfriends had already done the "due diligence" and she figured if they was good enough for them they were good enough for her. Well, that was fine until she messed with this chick from Chicago's man. She got a real ole fashioned South Side beatdown and withdrew from school the very next day.In terms of the letter on Salon. I am thinking the girlfriend has issues too. She keeps talking about spending time with her girl and her husband and although she was uncomfortable she continued to visit AND spend the night. I think she may have had a little bit to do with his advance but just is scared to cash in her chips. I think she wrote the letter to alieve her guilt. But then I am a cynical mofo anyway.


  5. >One of my lifelong best friends, who also pledged with me in college, taught me very early that women have to speak up to each other about the things they see their men do. (I'm sure the same applies to men who are friends regarding skanktastic moves their girls might pull.) Yes, it can backfire, causing the person with the smarmy husband or wife to have to make a choice—and that choice may be to cut you out of their life for disrupting their supposed "utopia"—but at least you know you told your friend and you did the right thing. I was a late bloomer and pretty sheltered, but thanks to my friend, I learned that a real friend told and nipped that kind of mess in the bud.Shortly after college, another sorority sister of mine who was also my roommate had a boyfriend who pulled a similar number on me. He woke up all chirpy one morning (he was visiting from out-of-town) and gave her a big wad of cash to go shopping. The tip-off that something was amiss should have been that, because he was ordinarily very close with money. She didn't want to question his generosity lest it immediately disappear, so she took the money and ran. As soon as she was out of our apartment, he stepped to me and told me he'd long had a thing for me and wanted us to, you know, do a lil' something while she was out shopping. (Mind you, my then-boyfriend had been visiting that weekend and had just left the night before.)My roomie's man pulled me into his big ol' arms as he was saying all this to me. I'm sure my expression was no different than that fugly owl's I posted about earlier today. I was still pretty naive back then that a man would do something so callous to his girl's close friend and roommate. I knew men could do some sheisty stuff, but I figured it was with chicks on the side, not someone so close to home.I proceeded to read him the riot act for a solid two hours. Shamed him like he'd just made a pass at his own grandma. He was a ginormous man, a pro athlete, and when I finally shut up, his head hung like a wounded hound and he was utterly humiliated. It was definitely not the reaction he expected (which still surprises me…what made his dumb ass think I would go for that???) When she arrived, freshly-facialed, mani/pedi'd, arms loaded with shopping bags, he rushed up to her crying and told on his damn self. He knew it was going to get told IMMEDIATELY, so at least he was bright enough to do it himself.I don't play that shit. How ol' girl in this story I posted managed to let dude massage her feet, THEN slide across the couch and make her lay alongside his body…please.Homie would have been missing some teeth and his wife wouldn't have to be told because she would have figured it out herself when the cops showed up at the door because I'd called 911 on his ass.


  6. >"…if you can spare me the pain, then lie to me…anyway eventually everything comes to light." – AnonymousI certainly hope I don't have any friends like Anonymous. She (and it sure as hell sounds like a she) is the type of person who would wait until your man left you for another woman, or stole all your shit, or maybe killed you before she spoke up and said "I should have said something before. He once felt me up and gave me a foot massage." A good friend doesn't wait for everything to come to light. Not in a world filled with men like Scott Peterson or those pedophiles you see all the time on Dateline's To Catch A Predator. You don't just sit on stuff like this these days. A true friend would try to give you a heads-up. That's if they really care about you.Friends like Anonymous aren't friends. They are serious liabilities.


  7. >In defense of Anonymous, she probably does believe she's being a good friend. People like her usually mean well, but they often operate from their own emotions when they make decisions about what's best for their friends. If they are the type of person who doesn't want to have to deal with the pain of being betrayed by a lover or a spouse, they assume their friends wouldn't want to know either. It's a warped case of don't ask/don't tell that ends up producing shallow friendships at best. Real friends don't stand by when armed with information that they know would be hurtful to someone they love. It's no different than watching someone rob your friend but not telling your friend because you don't want them to have to deal with the embarrassment of knowing they were robbed. Doesn't even make sense.Supposably when Star Jones began dating Al Reynolds, many of her close friends were bothered by the strong belief that he was gay. Some of them allegedly voiced their opinions to her, refusing to remain silent and watching their friend marry someone who might not be able to stick on the hetero side. Allegedly she banned them from saying such things to her, telling them they were either with them as a couple or against them.Who knows whether Al is gay or not? But at least those friends who allegedly spoke out can sleep at night knowing they spoke their minds out of fierce protection and love for her. I'll take that kind of friend any day. That's the kind of friend I strive to be. Better to deal with hurt when it happens than total devastation later on because you didn't want to face the truth.


  8. >dayum, stevie wonder could have seen this coming….how come y'all couldn't?first of all, this chick has been bonin' her friend's husband for quite sometime and now with a guilt trip, she's con"cock"t'd a story up. break down the story and read between the lines."I've long been the unattached friend who spends a lot of quality time with her married friends"–hint, hint. that's suspect right there.i betcha she gotta slammin' ass, that if you ain't gon' fuck her, you'll think about it!….that's man's law! write that shit in the book!…..lolfor him to do the things he was doing to her and she "allowed" it and the "various" (that's more than THREE people) gestures…c'mon y'all. this just ain't some one-time deal. strange that wifey goes to bed and husband doesn't follow her trail? (that's instant draws right there!) or the friend doesn't hit the trail also, but instead ACCEPTS a foot massage (past good times) but when he had her lying next to her (reality guilt kicks in) then she becomes reluctant and eventually bounces to bed and later leaves the next day.keep in mind, the friends were in HIGH SCHOOL together (y'all 'member the shit you did in HS, uh-huh), meaning they probably dun some dirt together. fuck'd around and so on and so forth…we don't know how OLD this person is so HS for her could have been a few years ago.she's better off not sayin' nuthin' cause she's just as guilty of opening up a pandora's box, than hubby confessing.what nigga whaaaat?!!!!!


  9. >OK, Lance you could have some valid points. So if a person has been unattached for a long time they are suspect if they hang with couples alot?


  10. >I can't believe this woman wrote in to a column asking what she needed to do.She needs her ass whooped for even letting him touch her and then spending the rest of the night in that house.


  11. >glenda just helped me to prove my point…she was bonin' him. the dick was good, but it'sa bitch for her to turn away.peep this:"On my drive back to my parents' house he called my phone and left a message, which I must admit I still haven't been able to listen to."duuuh!!!! why didn't she just DELETE the damn message? also, ON MY DRIVE BACK TO MY PARENTS HOUSE, unless her parents stay waaay out in bum-fuk country, she could left the house that night, lied that she had to go back "home" and crashed at a nearby hotel, motel, holiday innnnnnnn. (;-P


  12. >as foul as I can be .. I have a standing rule your friends are off limits when you and I hook up… just the way it is .. I guess Im that way cause I wouldnt want my girl to be giving one of my boys ( can I even call a n*kka that if he is down ) a foot massage …Cortney Gee .. now Im going back into the writing cave I got work to do scooby doo


  13. >Cort, remember how Ron Hightower used to try to use the old "foot massage trick" to win women over? Remember how he had me, Vix, and Sherri all lined up on the couch at his crib, giving each of us foot massages, one after the other, as you and Arabian sat there seething, watching his silly parlor trick work? Of course, he wasn't going to bag any of us, everyone knew that, but my goodness, he was a foot massage GENIUS.Come to think of it, Ron was slick on many levels. He would sit there and have seemingly innocent, scientific conversations with you, and the next thing you know, he would be in a space on your body, all in the name of practical discussion, and later you'd be going, "WTF??? How did that even happen????" Dude cupped my titty that way once. We were with you (Cort) at the airport. While we waiting in the car, as we were people watching, we somehow got on the subject of him being able to precisely guess a woman's bra size. He claimed it was a gift of his. I was like, "No way," to which he very harmlessly replied, "May I?" his hand tentatively extended. I still don't know how it happened, but I guess I must have bit and said, "Sure," out of curiosity to see if he would guess correctly, because next thing you know, dude's hand is on my titty and he's cupping it and looking up to the left, cupping it and looking up to the right. I'm sitting there, having an out-of-body experience, going, "This. n*gga's. hand. is. on. my. titty." That zone is off-limits to anyone unless we're romantically-involved or in the midst of a medical exam. He then calmly removed his palm from my breast, stared me in the eyes and said, very plainly, "You're a 36C. They look a lot larger than they actually are because your frame is rather small."He was right.And we resumed our people watching and the rest of the conversation like that whole titty-cupping thing had never even happened.He's the only person who's ever done that to me and I allowed him to do it. Talk about a damn Jedi mind trick.That boy had TALENT!!!


  14. >believe me when i say this Lo Arabian wasn't the only N*gga with an attitude in the room hun… I used to eb like how are they falling for this shit and why didn't I think to do it first .. told you Ms Snead used to get my goat with that one … Ron knew I dug her and yet still insisted on rubbing her feet in front of me .. I was hot as fish grease you hear me .. love ya I'm in Orlando … heard Minnie is looking to leave Mickey and kick it with a real G… kisses mami glad to see you back on your own damn blog roflmaocome by my spot and leave some comments share the love .. Jedi Mind Trick that's me and Marc's line he says I work for the darkside freely without pay..


  15. >hmmm, the jedi mind trick!lance to gabrielle union, with the wave of his hand….lance: i want you to be my woman!gabby: yeah, be your woman!the jedi mind trick, that's what's up!…lol


  16. >Cort, you clearly didn't read my comment all the way, because it said "…as you and Arabian sat there seething." I knew you were hot as fish grease over the fact that Sneedie was loving that foot massage Ron was dishing out. We all fell for it. Dude had Sith-hands. They were clearly employed by the dark side.I'll check out your spot. I'm sure you've been up to no good over there since I last peeped it.Love ya, Sleaze!!!…and leave Minnie alone!!!


  17. >I'm stopping by late and a lot has been said. Here's my 2 cents. The friend shouldn't have let him give the foot massage…sounds like she was tempted and then thought better of it…she should have left that night…but not before telling her friend's husband off and later telling her friend about her no good rotten husband.


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