Really Good Or Really Shitty, Excerpt #7!!!

It’s fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinally back!!!

The Lo Zone’s literary game of chance…

Really Good Or Really Shitty!!!

It’s fun! It’s a crapshoot! A spin of the wheel where…

YOU DECIDE

…what sucks…

…or not.

Love to my muses


The Bard


The Great Toni Morrison

…and my beloved English teacher


Mary and her husband Gareth

Mary Pittman-Jones.

I’ve received several submissions over the past few months, and not all of them are in novel and short story form. Some are screenplays, teleplays, stageplays, song lyrics, poetry, you name it. If it’s got words, people have submitted it for review. Today’s excerpt is from a screenplay. For those of you who have never read a film or television script before (or a play), the rules are a bit different in terms of what’s including in the writing. There are various elements present, from the description of the environment to the character’s dialogue, and lots of other things in between. “INT.“means the setting is inside, “EXT.” means the scene is taking place outside; the description of the location and the time of day immediately follows; words like “ESTABLISHING” define what kind of camera shot it is. In this case, an establishing shot is one that is wide enough for you to see enough of the scene to get an idea of what’s going on. An “INSERT” shot is one where the camera cuts to a close-up of something of relevance within a larger shot so that the audience can see it with greater detail. Further things that you’ll notice in this type of writing is that the actions of the characters are described both in the general directions and sometimes parenthetically during their dialogue. Oh, and the word “BEAT” (when it appears within dialogue), means a pause.

Yeah, yeah, it can seem complicated at first, but you get used to it. Reading and writing scripts can be great fun (seriously!!!) This excerpt is a bit longer than our past submissions because you need to see enough of it to get a feel of what’s taking place. Here we go:

EXT. LUXURY APARTMENT BUILDING – NIGHT – ESTABLISHING

Higher-end type apartment complex. Luscious grounds envelop the tracts of buildings. The chirp of crickets fills the night.

BARRON (V.O.)
I have to get showered.

INT. BARRON’S APARTMENT. BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS

Very expensive apartment, yet sparsely furnished with a man’s touch. BARRON NAVARRO, late 40’s, and JULIA FORD, late 20’s, lie nude beneath the bed’s satin sheets. Barron is rugged, good looking and appears younger than he actually is. He props himself up on his elbow, looks down to Julia’s eyes. Julia, a knockout, turns to face him. Barron uses his free hand to move a lock of hair from Julia’s face, running it behind her ear. She looks up at him, smiles.

BARRON
I just hate leaving you.
(beat)
Always hate leaving you.

Barron leans down and plants a long kiss on her lips. After the kiss, his eyes linger on her.

BARRON (CONT’D)
(raising eyebrows)
Mmmmf… I have to get going.

JULIA
I know. Let’s not get your better half angry.

Barron slides out of the bed and heads toward the master bath. On his way he stops at the dresser drawers. Julia rises to a sitting position, watches Barron. Picking his wallet up from the dresser’s surface, he spies Julia watching him via the large oval mirror. He shoots her a quick smile, takes four one-hundred dollar bills from the wallet and places them atop the dresser, next to rows of colognes, framed photos and several prescription medicine bottles. Barron turns to her as he enters the bathroom.

BARRON
Be out in a minute.

Barron shuts the bathroom door halfway. We hear the sound of the shower turning on. Steam slowly emanates from the half closed door. Julia stretches her back, rubs the muscles in the back of her neck, moans. After a deep sigh, she slinks out of the bed. Quick shots of Julia as she slips the black pants of her pantsuit up over her panties, then the white, very revealing shirt, and finally the jacket and shoes. The sound of the running shower in the background, Julia approaches the dresser, looking up at herself in the mirror. For a long beat she stares into her own eyes.

INT. BARRON’S APARTMENT. MASTER BATH – CONTINUOUS

Steam shrouds Barron as he scrubs his body with soap against the torrent of piping hot water. He blows water away from his lips to speak.

BARRON
(loudly, over the water)
You free Friday? I was thinking we could
take a drive up to the city. Maybe stay at
the Roosevelt like we did last summer?

INT. BARRON’S APARTMENT. BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS

Julia drops her stare from the mirror to the cash on the dresser’s top. She takes the bills, folds them and drops them into her pants pocket.

JULIA
(monotone, loudly)
Yeah.
(lower)
That sounds nice.

Julia’s eyes scan the collection of personal effects upon the dresser’s surface.

INSERT: Close up pan of framed photos. BARRON and BARRON’S WIFE, mid-40’s. Photos of various children. Parties. Holidays. All smiles and happiness, juxtaposed against: Slow zoom on Julia’s sad eyes. Julia’s eyes move to the rows of pill bottles. She picks one up, turns the prescription bottle around in her palm. Julia huffs, shakes her head.

INT. BARRON’S APARTMENT. MASTER BATH – CONTINUOUS

Barron steps out of the bath, shuts the shower off. After drying himself with a towel, he moves to the sink. He picks up a brush and combs what genetics has left of his salt and pepper tinged hair. He lifts his chin as he proudly eyes himself in the mirror. Barron goes to exit the bathroom, a towel around his waist.

INT. BARRON’S APARTMENT. BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS

Barron steps from the bathroom.

BARRON
Fortunately, my wife is leaving for…

Barron spies Julia’s legs on the floor past the bed. He leaps past the bed where he finds her, back down on the floor. Julia’s eyes stare at the ceiling, her head and neck twitching. She’s trying to say something.

BARRON (CONT’D)
Julia! My God!

Barron, shocked, moves to pick up her hand, dead weight. His head jerks as he kneels down next to her.

BARRON (CONT’D)
(panicked)
Julia! What is it, baby?

Only her eyes, streaming tears, move. Unblinking, her panicked eyes move until they’re staring straight into Barron’s.

JULIA
(croaking words out)
I…I can’t move…

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandSCENE!!!

As always, this poll is totally anonymous, so vote your conscience (or lack thereof).

Previously: The Lo Zone: Really Good Or Really Shitty, Excerpt #6: The Results!!!
Previously: The Lo Zone: Really Good Or Really Shitty, Excerpt #6!!!
Previously: The Lo Zone: Really Good Or Really Shitty, Excerpt #5: The Results!!!
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Previously: The Lo Zone: Really Good Or Really Shitty, Excerpt #4: The Results!!!
Previously: The Lo Zone: Really Good Or Really Shitty, Excerpt #4!!!
Previously: The Lo Zone: Really Good Or Really Shitty, Excerpt #3: The Results!!!
Previously: The Lo Zone: Really Good Or Really Shitty, Excerpt #3!!!
Previously: The Lo Zone: Really Good Or Really Shitty, Excerpt #2: The Results!!!
Previously: The Lo Zone: Really Good Or Really Shitty, Excerpt #2!!!
Previously: The Lo Zone: Really Good Or Really Shitty, Excerpt #1: The Results!!!
Previously: The Lo Zone: Really Good Or Really Shitty!!! Part 1 (Or, WWM3MS…What Would My 3 Muses Say?)

6 thoughts on “Really Good Or Really Shitty, Excerpt #7!!!

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